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I Hope She Forgets Me In Heaven

What if she doesn't remember me in Heaven?

That thought crossed my mind for the first time after nearly six years of losing her. I cried a lot thinking, what if it's not the same and she's just not my Mom anymore, not like it was before.

I just always assumed she would never forget me. Never forget the memories we shared or the love, I was always positive both of those things could never be broken.

What if she completely forgot about me?

What if now that she's up there it's no longer her job to keep being my Mom? What if it's no longer her job to keep worrying about me, getting excited over milestones for me or wishing she could hug me? What if it's been so long since we've talked that she doesn't care to know me anymore? What if she has went so many years now without being my Mom, what if that's just no longer part of her?

Then I started hoping she has forgotten about me

I don't want to think about her up there in Heaven with a broken heart. I want her to be up there having the time of her life. I want her to be up there with her soul filled with so much joy she can't stand it.

I know that if she still remembers me that she can't do that because I know my Mom. I know she would worry and fret. I know she would spend every waking second trying to figure out how to get back down here to me. I know she would spend her time making sure I knew she still loved me and would be here with me if she could. I know she would be missing me so much her heart would hurt.

So I hope she doesn't remember me in Heaven. I hope I don't cross her mind.

I don't want her to spend her time like that, I love her too much for that.

Comments

  1. I'm so glad I stumbled on your Instagram last night. My sister and I are now following you. We lost our mom last month (cancer). I'm 40, my sister is 35. Its hard to express the pangs grief we feel, takes my breath away. Your blog is so helpful, I have been praying for something like this. Thank you for sharing your journey, I'm just starting mine and reading through this helps me anticipate what lies ahead. thank you <3

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