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Showing posts from 2019

I Hope I Make You Proud in Heaven

Every single day you cross my mind and my thoughts always go to the same place, hoping that I'm making you proud all the way up there in Heaven •
It's hard to think that it's been so many years since I've heard you say it to me, since I haven't had to hope that you are proud of me •
I hope you see me doing the best I can and giving it my all every single day on this motherhood journey without you here to help guide me because even though you aren't here, I learned how to be a good mom just by watching you  •
I hope you see me pouring my heart and soul and some of the deepest parts of my grief from missing you into my writings to help someone else. I hope you read my words and they help you feel a little closer to me •
I hope you see me staying up late with tears in my eyes and shaking hands determined to finish that college paper because that second degree is a dream I'm fulfilling for you. That when I walk across that stage again you will be on my mind and in my h…

I Still Celebrate Mother’s Day Even Though My Mom Died

The first year after my Mom died, celebrating Mother’s Day even though I was a mother was difficult •
I missed my own Mom •
I saw everyone posting with new memories of their own Mom on Mother's Day and I knew that mine from that point on would only be old pictures and old memories •
The world kind of had this unspoken rule that once someone dies, we don't celebrate them any longer, we simply move on and let our memories due with them •
I decided to break that rule •
From that point on Mothers Day was celebrated for me and for my Mom •
We buy cupcakes, get balloons and I even buy my Mom a card because somehow the simplest act of walking down that card aisle on Mother’s Day and actually buying the card brings me so much joy and its a lot better than avoiding the stores and aisles or somehow feeling like I don't deserve to be down that aisle because she's dead •
So this Morher’s Day won't be any different from the others even though my Mom died •
I'll celebrate my Mom, my sons wi…

Only A Motherless Daughter Knows

Only a motherless daughter knows the loneliness in a final goodbye and the power behind that last ”I love you” •
Only a motherless daughter knows the deafening silence in a delivery room when her mother isn't there for her grandchild's first breath •
Only a motherless daughter knows the difference between ”I miss my Mom” because she doesn't live here and ”I miss my Mom” because she lives in Heaven •
Only a motherless daughter knows the feeling of waking up every single day and knowing that tomorrow she won't wake up to this all being a dream •
Only a motherless daughter knows how many times she still goes to pick up that phone and call her Mom hoping that one say she might answer even though she knows they don't have wi-fi in Heaven •
Only a motherless daughter knows that no matter how many times she reminders herself, she still searched the stores and the room for her Mom •
Only a motherless daughter knows the heartache in forever wondering what could have been •
Only a motherl…

The Secret Sisterhood in Grief

If you sat down and had dinner with us or joined us for a girls night out, you probably wouldn’t know that our friendships go way beyond table talk and endless gossip. 
You probably wouldn’t know that we wake up every single day and know what it’s like to go another day living life without a mom.
You probably wouldn’t know that our texts go deeper that “How are you?” and more like “I know it’s the anniversary of your moms death, are you okay?”
You probably wouldn’t know that our calendars are filled with more than play dates and appointments but also with death anniversaries, Janie’s dead moms birthday and the day Sarah’s mom went to heaven
You probably wouldn’t be able to tell just by being around us that we’ve not only walked knee deep in the trenches but once we’ve come out, we’ve walked back in to go help a fellow motherless daughter walk out or go and sit with her awhile until she’s ready to come out
You probably wouldn’t know that we’ve seen valleys and we’ve cried tears of joy as we…

The Right Way To Grieve

I think I was always searching for the right way to grieve, the right way to miss my mom. I searched online groups, articles, social media, you name it and I looked there. Always searching for someone to tell me how to do this whole grief thing the right way.
It’s like some unspoken rule that there is a right way to grieve and that must mean there is a wrong way too, at least that’s what the world tells us. 
The truth is, there is no wrong way to grieve and there is no right way either. If there was then there wouldn’t be a whole world full of people missing someone because we would all have it figured out and we don’t. We are just all out there grieving and missing someone and trying to keep their memory alive the best we can. 
Sometimes that looks like support through an online community. Sometimes that looks like writing about them. Sometimes that looks like sharing their memories. Sometimes that looks like a long walk. Sometimes that looks like making their favorite meals, listening …

My Friends Ghosted Me When My Mom Died

My friends ghosted me when my mom died 
When life was good and easy and a little less messy, I was surrounded by friends. Friends that loved me, wanted to spend time with me and cared about the smallest details of my life. 
Then my Mom got cancer and even then they stayed around but they didn't care to be too involved. When I was at the hospital with her, they were out. When I was sitting at her house up all night making sure she didn't take her last breath while I slept, they were asleep at home. When I was at doctors appointments and chemotherapy treatments, they were somewhere else. When I sat on the bathroom floor with her so many nights trying to fight back the tears and wanting to run far away, they were nowhere to be found. 
I didn't see it then, I just noticed the calls became less frequent and the invites were scarce. There weren't any offers to being over coffee or cook meals. There weren't offers to come sit with me at her house or come to the hospital and …

So God Made A Speech Therapist

He knew one day you would be sitting in a pediatricians office and hearing that your child has a speech delay. He knew you would need someone to help you fight your fears and navigate the road ahead

So God made a speech therapist

He knew you would need someone who would see your child just the way you do. Someone that would see all their potential, their hard work and their heart instead of their labels

So God made a speech therapist

He knew your baby would need someone that was just like you, not willing to give up on your child and would see their soul and hear their words when they couldn’t even speak instead of just their chart and their milestones

So God made a speech therapist

He knew you would want to fix this for your baby, that you would want to do this all on your own but there would come a day when you would realize you needed someone’s help. You would need someone to become a part of your village and walk this journey with you hand in hand, side by side

So God made a spee…

My Mom Couldn't Be My Person In Heaven

Anxiety has been a part of my life for as far back as I can remember • It’s been there for so long that I don’t really recall a time in my life without it
• If you have anxiety then you know you have that one person. The one person that knows just how to help calm you down in the midst of the anxiety fog
• That one person for me was my Mom
• She knew just what to say, how to say it and the right moment to say it to help bring me back to reality. Her words and comfort were always stronger than my anxiety
• I always just assumed she would always be there to be my person but that all changed
• It was a few weeks after my husband and I were married and my anxiety kicked in, I said, “I have to call my Mom” he paused and said, “How about you talk to me instead? Just give me a try and see if I can compare.”
• So I did, I gave him a chance to help ease my anxiety and it was as if I was talking to my Mom, it was as if I was talking to my person
• The calls to my Mom when my anxiety was in full force…

Grief Is Not Contagious

This is a PSA; Grief is not contagious, I repeat, NOT contagious. Sometimes I just want to scream that at people. 
My mom gets diagnosed with terminal cancer, I turn around half of the people around me are gone. She dies, I take a look around and everyone is gone, running for the hills. 
You won't get depressed from being around me and my grief. You won't want to hide out in your house or suddenly want to cry your days away. I promise you won't catch my grief. 
Here is what you will catch if you invest in a griever. A new perspective on life, joy in the little things, a heart for someone other than yourself and the ability see that there is hope in grief. 
Best thing you will catch is a view from the front row of watching someone you care about rise up from something so heavy. 
Grief is not contagious but the side effects from it might be and that's a good thing

My Mom Died And Everything Changed

I think about that day often, the day my Mom died
I think about how in a single day everything in my life changed and it didn’t just change for that day, it changed my days forever
That morning I was a daughter then I was suddenly a motherless daughter
That morning my sweet baby had a Nana and the next minute not a single memory he would ever have would include her in it
That morning my husband had a mother in law and by that evening he had lost the only mother in law he would ever have
That morning my future children would have a Nana and that evening they would never even know her at all
That morning my Mom just had cancer and that same evening she didn’t and she would never have it again
That morning I still had a Mom and on that same day I would never have my Mom again
That morning friends and co-workers and family would ask how she was doing and that same evening they would forever know how she was doing. By that same evening they would never ask how she was doing again
That morning my Mo…

What It's Like To Be Friends With A Motherless Daughter

Dear Friends,
I have so much I wish I could tell you. I need you to know that I am different since my mom passed away. I am a different friend, mother, wife and sister. In some ways the grief and loss has changed me for the better. I won’t be the same person you remembered or shared memories with. Our friendship might require you to carry it one hundred percent at times. 
I need you to remind me that I am never a burden when I want to talk to you about the hard days. The days when the tears won’t stop flowing. The days when I cancel plans with you last minute because I had a trigger and my day is consumed with thoughts of her. The days when I just want to share stories about her. The days when I just want to cry with you on the phone. Remind me you are there.
I need you to tell me my mom is proud of me. If you have your mom, you might take that for granted. After losing my mom, I want to make her more proud than ever. I want her to know that because of her strength and courage in life, I…

I Hope My Mom Forgets Me In Heaven

What if she doesn't remember me in Heaven?
That thought crossed my mind for the first time after nearly six years of losing her. I cried a lot thinking, what if it's not the same and she's just not my Mom anymore, not like it was before.

I just always assumed she would never forget me. Never forget the memories we shared or the love, I was always positive both of those things could never be broken.

What if she completely forgot about me?

What if now that she's up there it's no longer her job to keep being my Mom? What if it's no longer her job to keep worrying about me, getting excited over milestones for me or wishing she could hug me? What if it's been so long since we've talked that she doesn't care to know me anymore? What if she has went so many years now without being my Mom, what if that's just no longer part of her?

Then I started hoping she has forgotten about me

I don't want to think about her up there in Heaven with a broken hear…

So God Made A Motherless Daughter

He knew there would need to be someone who would be strong enough to carry the weight of the grief without her here. Someone that would be able to feel pain of grief so deep that she felt at times like it would break her but would keep going
So God made a motherless daughter
He knew she would need to be someone that was willing to face the days knowing she would never hear her moms voice again or feel the warmth of her hugs. Someone that could still find the beauty in each day even when life had shown her the darkest of valleys in her grief. Someone that would one day be able to show others that even the distance between heaven and earth can’t stop a mother’s love
So God made a motherless daughter
He knew he would need to have someone that was willing to sit with the broken and the hurting even when she was hurting from missing her own mom so much. Someone that wouldn’t be afraid to help someone else face their own grief. Someone that would be brave enough to say “me too” when someon…

My Mom Died But She's Still With Me

The day your mom dies, you will start wondering and questioning things you never imagined you would. Things you couldn't even think about before she died and probably never would have until after you lost her. 
You’ll wonder where she is a million times a day from the very second she leaves and all the minutes after she’s gone
You’ll wonder if she’s somewhere nearby or really far away because sometimes you can feel it both ways

One minute you have to catch your breath because you feel her so near it’s as if you could touch her. You wake up from a dream and feel as if you just spent time with her
Then the next it’s as if you can’t feel her at all. It’s as if the day she left she went so far away that you can’t even make your memories remember the feel of her hug or the warmth in her silence
You’ll wonder if she hears you when the tears are falling so hard and you can’t catch your breath to call her name, but you’ll wonder if she hears you through the tears
You’ll wonder if she knows how…

Some of the Best Grandpas Live in Heaven

Some of the best Grandpas live in Heaven

That’s what I have to tell my son’s when they ask where Papa lives and if we can go to his house just once to see what it’s like there

I have to tell them that Papa would be here if he could to hug them, to kiss them, to hold them but instead God asked Papa to come live in heaven with Him

He promised he would have the best seat in the house from up above to watch you grow, learn and be loved

He promised that he would never be forgotten or replaced because He asked his daughter to make sure of that

I don’t want the weight of grief to be heavy in this house

But I do I want them to know they will lose people. People they love, people that are important to them, people that have shaped their lives and changed their days. People that they will long for hugs and kisses from and people they will pray for just one more phone call from, one that won’t ever come but they’ll pray for it still and hope that one day it will

But I also want th…

You'll Search For Her

And when she dies you’ll search for her no matter how long she’s been gone

You’ll search for her the minute she leaves right there in that very room

You’ll search the sky

You’ll search online

You’ll search group forums

You’ll search old messages

You’ll search old text messages

You’ll search old letters

You’ll search old cards

You’ll search for her

You’ll search old high school yearbooks

You’ll search old photo albums

You’ll search the memories of old friends

You’ll search her things

You’ll even search the crowds

Even though someone told you she’s gone, you’ll still search for her

And when you are walking down the aisle, when your baby is born and when the holidays come around, you’ll search the room for her

When the days are hard and when they are good

When the times are difficult and when they are so good that pure joy is filling your soul

When you are sitting on your back porch trying to sort out all your problems you’ll look over because even if for a minute you’ll be searching for…

My Mom Died But I'll Always Talk About Her

My Mom died but I'll keep talking about her

I guess I was never one to wrap my head around the fact that once someone dies we stop talking about them, we stop saying someone's name, we start acting like they never existed at all

That's when we start making grief uncomfortable

I talk about my Mom all the time, I share her memory, I say her name, I share her pictures and talk about ”Nana” to my sons as if she's still here because the truth is, as long as I keep talking about her, the longer her memory stays alive. The day I stop talking about her is the day she really dies

I don't want my sons or anyone around me to think that just because my Mom no longer lives this side of heaven that it means we have to act like her time here on Earth never happened

In fact I want people that don't know my Mom is gone to hear me talk about her so much that they would think she is still here with us today because in my heart, she is still right here

Just because my Mom died it …