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Showing posts from 2019

She’s Lost But I’m the Only One Still Trying to Find Her

The inevitable truth is that you are going to lose your mom at some point

I lost my mom before she even died, several times

Usually at the grocery store when she would tell me she was just going to the next aisle and then suddenly she’s nowhere to be found for hours and I find her at checkout just when I’m on the verge of panic and about to have her paged over the intercom system. That’s how we found our lost people before cell phones existed

I lost her on the road one time, she was following along behind me and I’m not sure at what point she decided to try and take a “short cut” which would turn her around and somehow send her back to our house when we should have been going the opposite way but she did and I lost her for several hours that day

But I always knew I would find her, that I would see her again. She would come walking around the aisle at the grocery store or end up back at the house

But the day I lost her for good, the day she wouldn’t just walk into the house o…

Nana Lives in Heaven

"Who’s that in the picture?"
• A question that knocks the wind right out of me every single time. I can't ever prepare myself enough for the times one of my son's will find her picture and ask who she is

It's someone they should know, someone they should be able to point out in any picture or notice in any crowded room
• It's someone who's voice they should recognize over the phone or laugh they should have stored in their memory
• It's someone who's hugs should be talked about and who's ”I love you” should be remembered forever
• It's Nana
• But Nana lives in Heaven
• She won't be found in any pictures with them, she won't be in any videos or facetime calls, she won't be in the background at any special event cheering them on or front and center at all the birthday parties and graduations even though she should be and would be if it was up to her
• It's Nana after all
• But Nana lives in Heaven
• Even though it's someone who&…

Have the Talk of a Lifetime

The truth is I’ll always have regrets about when my mom died, but my greatest regrets come from unanswered questions.

• I remember sitting down a few days after she died and realizing I didn’t even know her favorite holiday or which song she would listen to over and over again if she could. I couldn’t tell you her favorite childhood memory because I never asked. • It wasn’t that I didn’t ask because I didn’t care, it was because the truth is, I had no clue what to ask her or where to begin. When she was dying, I could barely think, much less come up with questions or think of important things to ask her. • I wish I would have had the Have the Talk of a Lifetime Conversation Cards before my mom died because then I wouldn’t have so much regret with unanswered questions. It is true that those simple questions become the most important ones after you lose the one you love the most. • Even though I can’t go back in time with my mom and use these cards, I can start now with my family and …

I Didn’t Know What to Say

The day she died people asked what they could do

I didn’t know what to say

They told me they were there for me just tell them what I needed

I didn’t know what to say

They said they were a phone call away, I could call anytime day or night

I didn’t know what to say

They said we could go out to lunch, they would bring me dinner or coffee just let them know what I wanted

I didn’t know what to say

They sent texts and tried calling asking me to text or call them back just to talk

I didn’t know what to say

They brought food, dropped off coffee at my doorstep and even gifts

I didn’t know what to say

They said I could talk about her anytime, tell them stories about her, say her name

I didn’t know what to say

They said it was okay to cry and scream and yell

I didn’t know what to say

Then they said the thing that meant the most, that the truth was they didn’t know what to say at all and that was the most powerful thing they could have ever said

But you see I knew that all along because I didn’t…

I Can’t Put My Mom On The Pick Up List

Most take this tiny card for granted, you know the ones that come in the school packets at the beginning of the year

Maybe you haven’t noticed because you could fill them up with your eyes closed, the card only needs a few names but you’ve got six and the truth is you’ve got the most important one you can list every time, your Mom

That emergency contact list and pickup list is a reminder for me every school year that I can’t write her name in the little box because she’s no longer here

I could write her name if I really wanted to but it would be pointless because next I would have to write down her number and even though I still have it memorized by heart and in my phone, they can call it but she won’t answer because no calls reach where she lives

I could put her address because I remember that too, I still drive past her old house sometimes and know the roads there like the back of my hand but that’s no longer her home, I would have to put down “Heaven” for that part

I’ll …

I Didn't Just Lose My Mom The Day She Died

I didn't just lose her the day she died, I've lost her many times over the years

I lost her in aisle five at the grocery store all over again when I looked down and saw the smoothie packet I would buy for her when she was too sick to keep anything else down

I lost her the day I gave birth to my first son and the room was filled with so many people but she was missing, it wasn't completely full because she wasn't there and again with my second and third son

I lost her the day I picked up the phone to call and tell her some exciting news and I realized I could call but she would never answer

I lost her the day I sat on my back porch and the seat next to me was empty, the seat she would sit in and help me solve all of my problems

I lost her the day my first son graduated kindergarten and I didn't need to save her a seat because she wouldn't be there

I lost her every birthday and holiday that I could put her on the invitation list or send a card to

I …

A Mother’s Love Never Dies

If I Had One Wish

I wish I could have seen you as their Nana

I wish I could have seen you as their Nana

I wish I could have had you holding my hand in that room the day they were born to remind me that it’s all going to be okay

I wish I knew what it felt like to say the words “Come meet your grandson”

I wish I could have pictures to look at of you holding them, meeting them for the first time and getting to meet me for the first time as a new mom

I wish I could have seen you as their Nana

I just know how much you would have beamed with pride, how you would have told everyone they were the most perfect baby

I know you would have wanted to be a part of every minute of their lives just like you were with mine

I wish I could tell them “Yes we can go to Nana’s house” instead of telling them you live too far away in Heaven

I wish I could change your name in my phone  from Mom to Nana so they could call to tell you about their day

I wish I could put Nana on the pick up list at school and the emergency contact

And that laugh, they w…

Mother's Day After Your Mom Dies Looks Different

Mother's Day after your Mom dies looks different

Mother’s day looks like dodging the card aisle because you just can't bring yourself to read them and the truth is you don't feel like you belong in that aisle anymore, it's for those with a Mom that lives here and not in Heaven

It looks like changing the channel when the commercials come on talking about gifts for Mom because you know that not even Amazon Prime can deliver a gift to Heaven

It looks a lot like hoping nobody will ask you what your plans are with your Mom for Mother’s Day or what you bought your Mom

It looks a lot like wishing you could buy her just one gift

It looks a lot like old memories and trying to remember the last Mother’s Day you spent with her

It looks a lot like old pictures together because she won't here to take new pictures with you on Morher’s Day

It's a lot of people telling you how you should move on and just walk down the card aisle

But you see, Mother’s Day is so…

I Hope I Make You Proud in Heaven

Every single day you cross my mind and my thoughts always go to the same place, hoping that I'm making you proud all the way up there in Heaven •
It's hard to think that it's been so many years since I've heard you say it to me, since I haven't had to hope that you are proud of me •
I hope you see me doing the best I can and giving it my all every single day on this motherhood journey without you here to help guide me because even though you aren't here, I learned how to be a good mom just by watching you  •
I hope you see me pouring my heart and soul and some of the deepest parts of my grief from missing you into my writings to help someone else. I hope you read my words and they help you feel a little closer to me •
I hope you see me staying up late with tears in my eyes and shaking hands determined to finish that college paper because that second degree is a dream I'm fulfilling for you. That when I walk across that stage again you will be on my mind and in my h…

I Still Celebrate Mother’s Day Even Though My Mom Died

The first year after my Mom died, celebrating Mother’s Day even though I was a mother was difficult •
I missed my own Mom •
I saw everyone posting with new memories of their own Mom on Mother's Day and I knew that mine from that point on would only be old pictures and old memories •
The world kind of had this unspoken rule that once someone dies, we don't celebrate them any longer, we simply move on and let our memories due with them •
I decided to break that rule •
From that point on Mothers Day was celebrated for me and for my Mom •
We buy cupcakes, get balloons and I even buy my Mom a card because somehow the simplest act of walking down that card aisle on Mother’s Day and actually buying the card brings me so much joy and its a lot better than avoiding the stores and aisles or somehow feeling like I don't deserve to be down that aisle because she's dead •
So this Morher’s Day won't be any different from the others even though my Mom died •
I'll celebrate my Mom, my sons wi…

Only A Motherless Daughter Knows

Only a motherless daughter knows the loneliness in a final goodbye and the power behind that last ”I love you” •
Only a motherless daughter knows the deafening silence in a delivery room when her mother isn't there for her grandchild's first breath •
Only a motherless daughter knows the difference between ”I miss my Mom” because she doesn't live here and ”I miss my Mom” because she lives in Heaven •
Only a motherless daughter knows the feeling of waking up every single day and knowing that tomorrow she won't wake up to this all being a dream •
Only a motherless daughter knows how many times she still goes to pick up that phone and call her Mom hoping that one say she might answer even though she knows they don't have wi-fi in Heaven •
Only a motherless daughter knows that no matter how many times she reminders herself, she still searched the stores and the room for her Mom •
Only a motherless daughter knows the heartache in forever wondering what could have been •
Only a motherl…

The Secret Sisterhood in Grief

If you sat down and had dinner with us or joined us for a girls night out, you probably wouldn’t know that our friendships go way beyond table talk and endless gossip. 
You probably wouldn’t know that we wake up every single day and know what it’s like to go another day living life without a mom.
You probably wouldn’t know that our texts go deeper that “How are you?” and more like “I know it’s the anniversary of your moms death, are you okay?”
You probably wouldn’t know that our calendars are filled with more than play dates and appointments but also with death anniversaries, Janie’s dead moms birthday and the day Sarah’s mom went to heaven
You probably wouldn’t be able to tell just by being around us that we’ve not only walked knee deep in the trenches but once we’ve come out, we’ve walked back in to go help a fellow motherless daughter walk out or go and sit with her awhile until she’s ready to come out
You probably wouldn’t know that we’ve seen valleys and we’ve cried tears of joy as we…

The Right Way To Grieve

I think I was always searching for the right way to grieve, the right way to miss my mom. I searched online groups, articles, social media, you name it and I looked there. Always searching for someone to tell me how to do this whole grief thing the right way.
It’s like some unspoken rule that there is a right way to grieve and that must mean there is a wrong way too, at least that’s what the world tells us. 
The truth is, there is no wrong way to grieve and there is no right way either. If there was then there wouldn’t be a whole world full of people missing someone because we would all have it figured out and we don’t. We are just all out there grieving and missing someone and trying to keep their memory alive the best we can. 
Sometimes that looks like support through an online community. Sometimes that looks like writing about them. Sometimes that looks like sharing their memories. Sometimes that looks like a long walk. Sometimes that looks like making their favorite meals, listening …

My Friends Ghosted Me When My Mom Died

My friends ghosted me when my mom died 
When life was good and easy and a little less messy, I was surrounded by friends. Friends that loved me, wanted to spend time with me and cared about the smallest details of my life. 
Then my Mom got cancer and even then they stayed around but they didn't care to be too involved. When I was at the hospital with her, they were out. When I was sitting at her house up all night making sure she didn't take her last breath while I slept, they were asleep at home. When I was at doctors appointments and chemotherapy treatments, they were somewhere else. When I sat on the bathroom floor with her so many nights trying to fight back the tears and wanting to run far away, they were nowhere to be found. 
I didn't see it then, I just noticed the calls became less frequent and the invites were scarce. There weren't any offers to being over coffee or cook meals. There weren't offers to come sit with me at her house or come to the hospital and …

So God Made A Speech Therapist

He knew one day you would be sitting in a pediatricians office and hearing that your child has a speech delay. He knew you would need someone to help you fight your fears and navigate the road ahead

So God made a speech therapist

He knew you would need someone who would see your child just the way you do. Someone that would see all their potential, their hard work and their heart instead of their labels

So God made a speech therapist

He knew your baby would need someone that was just like you, not willing to give up on your child and would see their soul and hear their words when they couldn’t even speak instead of just their chart and their milestones

So God made a speech therapist

He knew you would want to fix this for your baby, that you would want to do this all on your own but there would come a day when you would realize you needed someone’s help. You would need someone to become a part of your village and walk this journey with you hand in hand, side by side

So God made a spee…

My Mom Couldn't Be My Person In Heaven

Anxiety has been a part of my life for as far back as I can remember • It’s been there for so long that I don’t really recall a time in my life without it
• If you have anxiety then you know you have that one person. The one person that knows just how to help calm you down in the midst of the anxiety fog
• That one person for me was my Mom
• She knew just what to say, how to say it and the right moment to say it to help bring me back to reality. Her words and comfort were always stronger than my anxiety
• I always just assumed she would always be there to be my person but that all changed
• It was a few weeks after my husband and I were married and my anxiety kicked in, I said, “I have to call my Mom” he paused and said, “How about you talk to me instead? Just give me a try and see if I can compare.”
• So I did, I gave him a chance to help ease my anxiety and it was as if I was talking to my Mom, it was as if I was talking to my person
• The calls to my Mom when my anxiety was in full force…

Grief Is Not Contagious

This is a PSA; Grief is not contagious, I repeat, NOT contagious. Sometimes I just want to scream that at people. 
My mom gets diagnosed with terminal cancer, I turn around half of the people around me are gone. She dies, I take a look around and everyone is gone, running for the hills. 
You won't get depressed from being around me and my grief. You won't want to hide out in your house or suddenly want to cry your days away. I promise you won't catch my grief. 
Here is what you will catch if you invest in a griever. A new perspective on life, joy in the little things, a heart for someone other than yourself and the ability see that there is hope in grief. 
Best thing you will catch is a view from the front row of watching someone you care about rise up from something so heavy. 
Grief is not contagious but the side effects from it might be and that's a good thing

My Mom Died And Everything Changed

I think about that day often, the day my Mom died
I think about how in a single day everything in my life changed and it didn’t just change for that day, it changed my days forever
That morning I was a daughter then I was suddenly a motherless daughter
That morning my sweet baby had a Nana and the next minute not a single memory he would ever have would include her in it
That morning my husband had a mother in law and by that evening he had lost the only mother in law he would ever have
That morning my future children would have a Nana and that evening they would never even know her at all
That morning my Mom just had cancer and that same evening she didn’t and she would never have it again
That morning I still had a Mom and on that same day I would never have my Mom again
That morning friends and co-workers and family would ask how she was doing and that same evening they would forever know how she was doing. By that same evening they would never ask how she was doing again
That morning my Mo…

What It's Like To Be Friends With A Motherless Daughter

Dear Friends,
I have so much I wish I could tell you. I need you to know that I am different since my mom passed away. I am a different friend, mother, wife and sister. In some ways the grief and loss has changed me for the better. I won’t be the same person you remembered or shared memories with. Our friendship might require you to carry it one hundred percent at times. 
I need you to remind me that I am never a burden when I want to talk to you about the hard days. The days when the tears won’t stop flowing. The days when I cancel plans with you last minute because I had a trigger and my day is consumed with thoughts of her. The days when I just want to share stories about her. The days when I just want to cry with you on the phone. Remind me you are there.
I need you to tell me my mom is proud of me. If you have your mom, you might take that for granted. After losing my mom, I want to make her more proud than ever. I want her to know that because of her strength and courage in life, I…