Friday, March 17, 2017
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
After losing my Mom, my eyes were opened and my world became a little bigger. I invested in people instead of just myself or my small world. That's when my mission began and I wanted to right my wrongs with others, spread more kindness instead of leaving people broken, and meet people right where they were knowing at that very moment they were giving their very best.
I was sure this was going to please everyone. I was sure that because grief had changed my outlook and my heart that everyone was going to be happy with it. I learned very early on this wasn't going to be the case. I became a people pleaser in a world that is filled with people that are never really satisfied. I became a fixer of people without realizing there are some breaks that not even kindness nor mending of bridges can repair.
That's when I realized this new chapter, my life after her wasn't about mending things I had broken. It wasn't about being kinder after my loss so that other's would take notice. It was about much more than that. This lesson in grief was much bigger than anything I could have seen coming.
Lessons, that's what this detour on my grief path was about.
I learned that people grieve without even suffering a loss and sometimes those are just things that need to be left alone. I learned that I cannot please everyone no matter how much my heart has changed. There will always be someone that is upset with me, angry with me, feels left out by me and offended by me. I learned that even though my heart was the complete opposite of those things and they were unintentional, I can't stop those things.
Then the biggest lesson of all came along this beaten path.
I can't be everything to everyone on this grief journey. From my grieving friends to my non-grieving friends, I can't be everything to them. If I try, I will fail. If they expect me to be, I will fail. Why? Because I'm human.
You see, that's where faith and God come into this grief journey. I can't expect my friends and family to be everything I need on this grief journey. I can't expect them to not walk away when it gets hard, to have all the right words, to know when I need to be left alone, to know when I want to talk about her and to know when I don't want to talk about her.
God steps into those place for my friends and family. He goes where they can't go. You have a to make a choice every day to lean on Him and simply be thankful for what your friends and family have to offer to you on this grief journey. They are doing the best they can right where they are with what they have.
God is there to do what they can't.
Monday, March 13, 2017
What if she doesn't remember me in Heaven?
That thought crossed my mind for the first time after nearly six years of losing her. I cried a lot thinking, what if it's not the same and she's just not my Mom anymore, not like it was before.
I just always assumed she would never forget me. Never forget the memories we shared or the love, I was always positive both of those things could never be broken.
What if she completely forgot about me?
What if now that she's up there it's no longer her job to keep being my Mom? What if it's no longer her job to keep worrying about me, getting excited over milestones for me or wishing she could hug me? What if it's been so long since we've talked that she doesn't care to know me anymore? What if she has went so many years now without being my Mom, what if that's just no longer part of her?
Then I started hoping she has forgotten about me
I don't want to think about her up there in Heaven with a broken heart. I want her to be up there having the time of her life. I want her to be up there with her soul filled with so much joy she can't stand it.
I know that if she still remembers me that she can't do that because I know my Mom. I know she would worry and fret. I know she would spend every waking second trying to figure out how to get back down here to me. I know she would spend her time making sure I knew she still loved me and would be here with me if she could. I know she would be missing me so much her heart would hurt.
So I hope she doesn't remember me in Heaven. I hope I don't cross her mind.
I don't want her to spend her time like that, I love her too much for that.