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Turkey Served With A Side Of Grief

I remember my first Thanksgiving without my mom here. I cancelled dinner at our family’s house last minute because I couldn’t face the deviled eggs sitting on the dining room table knowing she wouldn’t be there to serve her recipe

I avoided making those deviled eggs and asked others to avoid making them for several years because that was my side of grief served with the turkey on Thanksgiving. It was the thing that could take me from surviving the holidays without her to full blown tears

These days I make the deviled eggs, her recipe only and I serve up that side of grief on Thanksgiving with a smile instead of tears.

I’ve realized that my holidays are always going to be a little less joyful and little more quite without her laughter filling the room. I realize that my Thanksgiving turkey will always somehow be served with a side of grief while yours is simply filled with sides of mashed potatoes and new memories with your loved ones

So this Thanksgiving if your turkey is being served…
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So It's Another Holiday Without Your Mom Here, Now What?

Let's be honest here, no matter how far you've come in your grief journey the holidays tend to sting a little bit without your mom here. They have a tendency to not be as jolly and bright or full of thanksgiving when one of those you love the most isn't here and instead there is an empty chair when they used to sit.

You might feel like you want to skip over the day altogether or just cancel Thanksgiving or Christmas. Trust me, I've completely felt that way when I was new to the grief scene.

But what if you still want to celebrate but you just aren't sure how. You can't imagine how to bring joy and laughter back into your holidays when your mom isn't here.

Although we know as grievers the only real way to make the holidays the same again would be to have your mom here with you even if for the day to celebrate. But since she can't be but we know she would be if she could then here are a few things you can do if you feel up to it on the holidays to make y…

2,308 Days Without My Mom

2,308 days • That’s how many days as of this morning I’ve gone without my mom
• That’s how many days since the last time I heard her voice or felt her hug
• That’s how many days I’ve walked this earth trying to navigate being a mom without her here to guide me
• That’s how many days I’ve spent missing her
• That’s how many days I’ve had to spend imagining what my days would be like with her still here in them
• That’s how many days I’ve spent from sun up to sun down making sure I keep her memory alive
• That’s how many days I’ve spent talking about her
• That’s how many days I wake up only to remember she’s gone all over again
• That’s how many days I still accidentally go to dial her number
• That’s how many days it’s been since I lost her and found myself
• I’ll never let that many days go by without talking about her, thinking about her, missing her or loving her because she’s still my mom and I’m still her daughter even if she isn’t here
• So here’s to 2,308 days and waking up every single …

Not Everyone Can Say Trick-or-Treat, Give Them Candy Anyways

I thought mama bears coming out to protect their young was scary but want to know something that is even more scary? The ferocious growl of a big brother


With it being so close to Halloween there are lots of places having little festivals with animals, hay rides, candy, all the makings of precious memories for the babies


We attended a fall festival last week with our three sons


My youngest patiently waited in line for his turn to get candy. He stuck out his home made bag that he carried with pride when we made it to the front


“Umm excuse me, what do you say?” The lady waited and I did also assuming she would not make a big deal when he didn’t respond


He wasn’t going to say it like she thought he should, it was going to take him a few minutes and he would need my help or he wasn’t going to say it at all because my son has a speech delay


Just as I was about to talk him through saying it she said, “Okay, if you can’t use your manners then no candy for you” and she walked away

Just Say No To The Minivan

I have three boys • I make trips to and from school five days a week and grocery store runs weekly that look like I’m feeding the entire state of Florida at times
• But I’ll never be a minivan mom
• From what I’ve been told from friends near and far it’s the holy grail of vehicles for moms
• I’ve even had friends that have converted after swearing time and time again they would never be that mom. Then they post the pictures of their smiling faces waving at the camera as they drove off the lot in their brand new minivan
• I see you rolling by with your kids in tow, all DVD players flipped down. I see you in the parking lot at the grocery store, arms full and you are waving your magic foot under the bumper so the trunk will open seemingly on its own. I see you walking to your minivan and the doors opening for you without the touch of a finger and you are a football field away. I see you not having to fight to pull down the second row to get to the third
• I see you as I’m over here dropping…

Where The Best Days Ever Are Found

“Mom, this is the best day ever” • That’s what my oldest said to me right before I took this picture
• I stopped to think about our day and I could not find anything extra special about it
• We didn’t buy them any toys, we didn’t go on a lavish play date to a fancy park
• That night I asked him what made today the best day ever. He said, “It was when we went on a yard sale hunt. It was when we held hands with Dad in the parking lot. It was when you let me pick out the color of paint for our room. It was when you turned the music up really loud, rolled down the windows and we sang at the top of our lungs. It was when you held my hand in the store and we snuck off just me and you to go look at the pretty lights. It was the best day of my life”
• I think as moms we get so caught up in trying to make sure every day for them is the best day ever that we forget what the best day ever really looks like to them
• It doesn’t look like toys or play dates or amusement parks
• It looks a lot like hold…

The Day I Realized It Was Me Too

One day I want my three sons to know that their mom has had to say “me too” one too many times in her lifetime
• I’d tell them about all the times this “me too” stands for and all the times I was frozen in silence that was pushed on me by the world's views to keep my mouth shut
• The times when I wish I could have said, “me too” and when I wish someone else would have stood up and said “me too” with me
• The time my neighbor would wait for me when I got off the school bus on his front porch and say obscene things. Then tell everyone he was only “kidding” and that made it okay. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know I had a voice to say, “me too” I didn’t know there were others that would stand with me
• The time when I was young and my boss told me what room number I could find him in. I told my family and my grandmother said “Nikki, this is life and it will happen for the rest of yours that’s just how it is” because someone in her life told her she didn’t have a voice that …