Friday, March 17, 2017

The Secret To Getting Through Grief

Are you ready? I am about to give you the secret to getting through grief


You see, most of us want to rush through it. We wish some days away. We wish we could skip over the anniversaries. We wish we were years away from the day the world went quiet from losing them. We want to rush through the whole thing. We want to just get over it. 

When you do that you miss the purpose of the pain, the purpose of the grief. I know you can't see it early on but it's there. You definitely won't see it if you spend the entire journey running from the grief or trying to fast forward through it.

In my grief, I've found the courage I never knew I had. I found my passion in life. I found lasting friendships and I found true joy and hope. I found myself. I found the person my Mom gave wings to but was too afraid to fly all those years ago. •

I would have never found all those things had it not been for going slowly through the grief. •

Don't rush your grief. Slow down and find the purpose in the pain and grief. 

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

How To Fail People In Grief

After losing my Mom, my eyes were opened and my world became a little bigger. I invested in people instead of just myself or my small world. That's when my mission began and I wanted to right my wrongs with others, spread more kindness instead of leaving people broken, and meet people right where they were knowing at that very moment they were giving their very best. 

I was sure this was going to please everyone. I was sure that because grief had changed my outlook and my heart that everyone was going to be happy with it. I learned very early on this wasn't going to be the case. I became a people pleaser in a world that is filled with people that are never really satisfied. I became a fixer of people without realizing there are some breaks that not even kindness nor mending of bridges can repair.

That's when I realized this new chapter, my life after her wasn't about mending things I had broken. It wasn't about being kinder after my loss so that other's would take notice. It was about much more than that. This lesson in grief was much bigger than anything I could have seen coming.

Lessons, that's what this detour on my grief path was about.

I learned that people grieve without even suffering a loss and sometimes those are just things that need to be left alone. I learned that I cannot please everyone no matter how much my heart has changed. There will always be someone that is upset with me, angry with me, feels left out by me and offended by me. I learned that even though my heart was the complete opposite of those things and they were unintentional, I can't stop those things.

Then the biggest lesson of all came along this beaten path.

I can't be everything to everyone on this grief journey. From my grieving friends to my non-grieving friends, I can't be everything to them. If I try, I will fail. If they expect me to be, I will fail. Why? Because I'm human.

You see, that's where faith and God come into this grief journey. I can't expect my friends and family to be everything I need on this grief journey. I can't expect them to not walk away when it gets hard, to have all the right words, to know when I need to be left alone, to know when I want to talk about her and to know when I don't want to talk about her.

God steps into those place for my friends and family.  He goes where they can't go. You have a to make a choice every day to lean on Him and simply be thankful for what your friends and family have to offer to you on this grief journey. They are doing the best they can right where they are with what they have.

God is there to do what they can't.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Forget Me In Heaven

What if she doesn't remember me in Heaven?

That thought crossed my mind for the first time after nearly six years of losing her. I cried a lot thinking, what if it's not the same and she's just not my Mom anymore, not like it was before.

I just always assumed she would never forget me. Never forget the memories we shared or the love, I was always positive both of those things could never be broken.

What if she completely forgot about me?

What if now that she's up there it's no longer her job to keep being my Mom? What if it's no longer her job to keep worrying about me, getting excited over milestones for me or wishing she could hug me? What if it's been so long since we've talked that she doesn't care to know me anymore? What if she has went so many years now without being my Mom, what if that's just no longer part of her?

Then I started hoping she has forgotten about me

I don't want to think about her up there in Heaven with a broken heart. I want her to be up there having the time of her life. I want her to be up there with her soul filled with so much joy she can't stand it.

I know that if she still remembers me that she can't do that because I know my Mom. I know she would worry and fret. I know she would spend every waking second trying to figure out how to get back down here to me. I know she would spend her time making sure I knew she still loved me and would be here with me if she could. I know she would be missing me so much her heart would hurt.

So I hope she doesn't remember me in Heaven. I hope I don't cross her mind.

I don't want her to spend her time like that, I love her too much for that.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

To The Fellow Motherless Daughter I Asked To Be My Friend

  • Yes, you read that correctly. I asked another fellow Motherless Daughter to be my friend on social media. 

  • How you ask? Oh, don't worry I have a video in here for you to see every cringe-worthy moment. 

  • Look, sometimes you have to go out on a limb. People are people and especially when it comes to another motherless daughter, we get it. We get that you want to be surrounded by others that just get it too. 

  • Sometimes you just have to let people know when you think you should be friends in real life.
    You find yourself hearing about other motherless daughters and you just feel this instant connection like you are already friends. 

  • Want to know the good news?? She said yes to be my friend. I love it so much when my heart is full of friends that understand my grief. 

  • Is there someone you've been wanting to reach out to perhaps a fellow motherless or fatherless daughter? Don't sit back, reach out! After all, we are all in this together.

Come On In The Water's Fine

I know they always say grief comes in waves. They also say grief is not the same for everyone, that's where I disagree.

Grief is the same it's just that the waves comes at different times and have a different impact for each of us. Each of us rides out the waves differently but still the same waves for all of us in grief. 

The waves of grief never change, we change.

You have to make a choice how you are going to deal with the waves. Are you going to let them consume you? Are you going to ride them out? Or are you going to hold on to dear life for all your lifesavers around you, jump on your surfboard and own that wave?

In the end, the results are the same for all of us in the fact that we all will end up with waves of grief at some point in our lives. Some more than others and some less.

So get out there, put on your life jacket, jump on your surfboard, find all the extra life savers out there which look a lot like family, friends and fellow grievers that might be strangers and ride those waves together.

At some point, if you choose to do this you will be on top of the wave and be able to see all the others out there with you. You will see the joy and the hope.  Those are things you can't see if you keep treading the waters and letting the waves of grief drown you.

Go ride those waves of grief fellow griever! Make sure to stop and say "hello" because I'll be out there with you. 

To The World My Grief Isn't Much But To One Person My Grief Is Everything

I was right in the middle of my self-loathing and grief pity party where my poor husband was the guest of honor.

I was crying the ugly messy tears telling him that my blog and writing about my grief was pointless. 

I went on to tell him how my words would never be as earth shattering as those of writers such as @_jk.rowling or C.S. Lewis. "I don't have followers, I barely get any likes and zero shares." 

Because we all know all those things matter so much 😳 (Please note the sarcasm)

He let me catch my breath as he calmly said, "Nik you could be right. Your words might not be so earth shattering and amazing to so many that you get on any bestseller lists." Insert the insulted look I had on my face here. "However your words might be so Earth shattering to one person that it changes their whole world. Maybe that one person is the whole reason God is using you for this, He needs you to reach them." 

Insert the humbled look I had on my face here.

Friends, if you share your grief and it isn't received well, keep sharing it anyways.
You see, God loves us so much He will use someone to reach out to just one single person. 

Guess what? That someone He uses might just be you!

Keep sharing fellow grievers, keep stirring hearts because that's what matters most not the likes, followers or shares.

Wherever You Are Nana Is There

My guys will never know the feeling of going to a cemetery to visit their Nana, instead, they get the beach. 

In fact, I don't want them to think they have to go to one particular place to visit with her or talk to her.

I want them to know that Nana is always right here, wherever right here is to them.
You see I want them to understand that no matter where Nana's ashes were spread her soul is free and flying high in Heaven.

I don't want them to feel like they must visit her in one place. Although having a place to visit her is definitely lovely but it's not truly where she resides.

I want them to know she's there at the breakfast table with us, she's there for all their special events and big memories, Nana and her memory are always right here, all we have to do is talk about her and then she's there.

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