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She’s Lost But I’m the Only One Still Trying to Find Her

The inevitable truth is that you are going to lose your mom at some point

I lost my mom before she even died, several times

Usually at the grocery store when she would tell me she was just going to the next aisle and then suddenly she’s nowhere to be found for hours and I find her at checkout just when I’m on the verge of panic and about to have her paged over the intercom system. That’s how we found our lost people before cell phones existed

I lost her on the road one time, she was following along behind me and I’m not sure at what point she decided to try and take a “short cut” which would turn her around and somehow send her back to our house when we should have been going the opposite way but she did and I lost her for several hours that day

But I always knew I would find her, that I would see her again. She would come walking around the aisle at the grocery store or end up back at the house

But the day I lost her for good, the day she wouldn’t just walk into the house o…
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Nana Lives in Heaven

"Who’s that in the picture?"
• A question that knocks the wind right out of me every single time. I can't ever prepare myself enough for the times one of my son's will find her picture and ask who she is

It's someone they should know, someone they should be able to point out in any picture or notice in any crowded room
• It's someone who's voice they should recognize over the phone or laugh they should have stored in their memory
• It's someone who's hugs should be talked about and who's ”I love you” should be remembered forever
• It's Nana
• But Nana lives in Heaven
• She won't be found in any pictures with them, she won't be in any videos or facetime calls, she won't be in the background at any special event cheering them on or front and center at all the birthday parties and graduations even though she should be and would be if it was up to her
• It's Nana after all
• But Nana lives in Heaven
• Even though it's someone who&…

Have the Talk of a Lifetime

The truth is I’ll always have regrets about when my mom died, but my greatest regrets come from unanswered questions.

• I remember sitting down a few days after she died and realizing I didn’t even know her favorite holiday or which song she would listen to over and over again if she could. I couldn’t tell you her favorite childhood memory because I never asked. • It wasn’t that I didn’t ask because I didn’t care, it was because the truth is, I had no clue what to ask her or where to begin. When she was dying, I could barely think, much less come up with questions or think of important things to ask her. • I wish I would have had the Have the Talk of a Lifetime Conversation Cards before my mom died because then I wouldn’t have so much regret with unanswered questions. It is true that those simple questions become the most important ones after you lose the one you love the most. • Even though I can’t go back in time with my mom and use these cards, I can start now with my family and …

I Didn’t Know What to Say

The day she died people asked what they could do

I didn’t know what to say

They told me they were there for me just tell them what I needed

I didn’t know what to say

They said they were a phone call away, I could call anytime day or night

I didn’t know what to say

They said we could go out to lunch, they would bring me dinner or coffee just let them know what I wanted

I didn’t know what to say

They sent texts and tried calling asking me to text or call them back just to talk

I didn’t know what to say

They brought food, dropped off coffee at my doorstep and even gifts

I didn’t know what to say

They said I could talk about her anytime, tell them stories about her, say her name

I didn’t know what to say

They said it was okay to cry and scream and yell

I didn’t know what to say

Then they said the thing that meant the most, that the truth was they didn’t know what to say at all and that was the most powerful thing they could have ever said

But you see I knew that all along because I didn’t…

I Can’t Put My Mom On The Pick Up List

Most take this tiny card for granted, you know the ones that come in the school packets at the beginning of the year

Maybe you haven’t noticed because you could fill them up with your eyes closed, the card only needs a few names but you’ve got six and the truth is you’ve got the most important one you can list every time, your Mom

That emergency contact list and pickup list is a reminder for me every school year that I can’t write her name in the little box because she’s no longer here

I could write her name if I really wanted to but it would be pointless because next I would have to write down her number and even though I still have it memorized by heart and in my phone, they can call it but she won’t answer because no calls reach where she lives

I could put her address because I remember that too, I still drive past her old house sometimes and know the roads there like the back of my hand but that’s no longer her home, I would have to put down “Heaven” for that part

I’ll …

I Didn't Just Lose My Mom The Day She Died

I didn't just lose her the day she died, I've lost her many times over the years

I lost her in aisle five at the grocery store all over again when I looked down and saw the smoothie packet I would buy for her when she was too sick to keep anything else down

I lost her the day I gave birth to my first son and the room was filled with so many people but she was missing, it wasn't completely full because she wasn't there and again with my second and third son

I lost her the day I picked up the phone to call and tell her some exciting news and I realized I could call but she would never answer

I lost her the day I sat on my back porch and the seat next to me was empty, the seat she would sit in and help me solve all of my problems

I lost her the day my first son graduated kindergarten and I didn't need to save her a seat because she wouldn't be there

I lost her every birthday and holiday that I could put her on the invitation list or send a card to

I …

A Mother’s Love Never Dies