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Sometimes Christmas is Hard

Sometimes Christmas is hard

It’s hard when you are missing someone at the dinner table or waiting for someone to walk through that door that will never show up

Sometimes Christmas is hard

It’s hard when the turkey and mashed potatoes are served up with a side of grief

It’s hard when you can’t buy gifts for someone you love so much because they live in Heaven

It’s hard when there won’t be any presents under the Christmas tree from the one you miss the most this year

Sometimes Christmas is hard

It’s hard when you can’t make new memories or take new pictures because someone is missing

It’s hard when you are wondering and hoping if they are having a good Christmas without you

Sometimes Christmas is hard

It’s hard when you lose people and the list for gifts gets shorter and shorter each year

It’s hard when the old ornaments and movies bring back memories of when they were still here

It’s hard when your heart is broken but everywhere you turn there is talk of joy

It’s hard when you are cryi…
Recent posts

Frozen II Thawed My Frozen Heart

I didn't realize watching Frozen II would thaw my frozen heart

I mean a kids movie, but it did something for this motherless daughter

I cried silently as Elsa could hear the voice of her mother calling to her even though she could no longer see her because I can still hear my mom's voice and words guiding me

I wiped away the tears as she searched for her even though she knew she was gone but she looked anyways because I still search for my mom too. I search for her in old pictures, I search for her in old text messages and voicemails, I search for her in crowds

I smiled as her sister and friends joined in to help her find answers to questions about her mom dying because they knew that's what she needed and they showed up, helped her face some ugly things without questions because I've had an Anna and Sven and Olaf and Kristoff in my life. The ones that let me talk about my mom, the one's that remind me she's still there and the one's that walk this grief jo…

Her Name Died The Day She Did

When my mom was sick so many people asked me about her

They asked me how she was doing

They asked me if the cancer was gone

They asked me if the cancer had spread

They asked me how she was feeling

They asked me how much longer she had to live

They asked me what the doctors were saying

They asked me how her surgery went and her recovery

They asked me how they would pray for her

They asked me if they could visit her

They asked me when they would see her again

Then the day that I didn't have any more answers, the day I started telling them she died, that's the day they stopped asking me about my mom, that's the day her name died too

You see, my mom is dead but I wish people would still ask me questions about her just like they did when she was alive, like they did when she was sick

I wish they would ask me her favorite color or song

I wish they would ask me what I miss the most about her

I wish they would ask me the best advice she gave me

I wish they would ask me about my fa…

Remembering A Life Self-care Box

When my mom was sick and even after she died, I remember a lot of people asking me if I needed anything. The truth is, I didn’t know what I needed at that time, but now looking back I realize how important a Self-care Box like this one from Remembering A Life would have helped me on my grief journey. 
Even though it’s been eight years since my mom died, having this Self-care Box now has been such a comfort and helped me feel closer to my mom by helping to keep her memory alive, all while continuing to take care of myself in the midst of my grief. No matter where you are in your grief journey, there’s something in the Self-care Box that ties you to your loved one. 
The Remembering A Life Self-care Box, which retails for $50, offers a variety of helpful resources to help your mind, body and soul during the grieving process: 
The water bottle reminds me to take care of myself and stay hydrated whether I’m at home or on the go. Staying mentally and physically healthy are so important when de…

Going Through Her Clothes

I used to go through my mom’s clothes all the time

But back then she was still alive

“Take what you want” she would always say or “I saw this and had to get it for you” she would tell me

It’s different going through your mom’s clothes when she’s still alive

Knowing how easily it is to toss out the things she no longer wants back and gave to you

Knowing you can return all the clothes you borrowed

Knowing that you can just give away the clothes that no longer fit that she bought you without a second thought

It’s different going through your mom’s clothes when she’s dead

Knowing that you can’t return them

Knowing that this is all you have left

Knowing that it’s something she once wore and that blouse still smells like her laundry detergent or favorite perfume

Knowing that you can’t just give them away because that’s like giving away a piece of your mom

So you keep them all in a box stored away and pull them out to go through them only to make sure they are all sti…

She’s Lost But I’m the Only One Still Trying to Find Her

The inevitable truth is that you are going to lose your mom at some point

I lost my mom before she even died, several times

Usually at the grocery store when she would tell me she was just going to the next aisle and then suddenly she’s nowhere to be found for hours and I find her at checkout just when I’m on the verge of panic and about to have her paged over the intercom system. That’s how we found our lost people before cell phones existed

I lost her on the road one time, she was following along behind me and I’m not sure at what point she decided to try and take a “short cut” which would turn her around and somehow send her back to our house when we should have been going the opposite way but she did and I lost her for several hours that day

But I always knew I would find her, that I would see her again. She would come walking around the aisle at the grocery store or end up back at the house

But the day I lost her for good, the day she wouldn’t just walk into the house o…

Nana Lives in Heaven

"Who’s that in the picture?"
• A question that knocks the wind right out of me every single time. I can't ever prepare myself enough for the times one of my son's will find her picture and ask who she is

It's someone they should know, someone they should be able to point out in any picture or notice in any crowded room
• It's someone who's voice they should recognize over the phone or laugh they should have stored in their memory
• It's someone who's hugs should be talked about and who's ”I love you” should be remembered forever
• It's Nana
• But Nana lives in Heaven
• She won't be found in any pictures with them, she won't be in any videos or facetime calls, she won't be in the background at any special event cheering them on or front and center at all the birthday parties and graduations even though she should be and would be if it was up to her
• It's Nana after all
• But Nana lives in Heaven
• Even though it's someone who&…