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Showing posts from February, 2015

Wish You Were Here

It’s just one of those days. The days were my memory is failing me and I can’t remember the sound of your laugh as clearly as I could before. The days where the feeling of your hug seems like a distant memory that I can’t recall. I tried so hard in those final days with you to hold tightly to every small detail from the way your hand would lay when holding mine. The way your hug could completely make everything right in the world again.
I miss the way we would have our mother daughter disagreements only to laugh about it hours later and how silly we both sounded. I miss being able to pick up the phone and call you for no reason at all and have you answer every single time. Now you don’t answer at all.
I miss the way my life was when you were here. I would give anything to have just one day with you in it again, no matter how simple of a day. I try so hard sometimes to pretend you are still here, just living in another state or town just so I can try and have a day like the ones I had …

You Know You Are A Bereaved Daughter If...

Losing my mom when I was only twenty five has given me an entirely new perspective on life. It’s made me very different from the person I was prior to the grief and loss. I find myself seeing things and doing things differently than others. Here is a list I have created of things I do differently and how I see certain things now that I am now motherless.
1.)You have a special box or boxes in your house filled with your mother’s worldly possessions. Only close friends know about this and even fewer have seen the contents.
2.)Mother’s Day is no longer celebrated by going out to eat or with cake and ice cream. It’s spent at the beach or the graveyard without her even being there.
3.)You always notice she is missing at all family events.
4.)You save a place for her at holiday dinners, just in case she walks through the door.
5.)The statements “She’s in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason” are deal breakers when it comes to friendships.
6.)The question “Does your mom watch the ch…

I'll Be With You In Your Dreams

There is a song by the group Hanson called “I’ll be with you in your dreams.” When the song first came out, the lyrics did not mean much to me at the time. Now that my mom is gone, the words have meaning. The first part of the song says, “If I’m gone when you wake up, please don’t cry. If I’m gone when you wake up, it’s not good-bye. Don’t look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress, remember me, remember me, cause I’ll be with you in your dreams.”
Ever since I lost my mom, I find myself having these very vivid dreams. I wake up and they seem to have been so real that I can still feel the emotions from them. In some dreams she doesn't speak to me at all, some I know what she is saying to me without even speaking, some I am an outside looking in on her life and others’ her and I just sit quietly together.
The dreams are sometimes painful because I wake up only to remember that she is in fact gone. Then my grief starts all over again. However, those painful dreams are…

My Birthday Without Mom

This will be my fourth birthday without her. I often struggle on my birthday just as much as I do on the anniversary of her death. She always made such a big fuss about my birthday from presents to cupcakes made from scratch just like she did when I was young. She would gush and tell me all about what a special day it is because it’s the day that she became a mom.
I never really appreciated my birthday the way I do now that she is gone. For nine months she lovingly carried me and patiently waited to meet me. When I arrived, her world was forever changed for the better she would always tell me. Now, being a mom myself I understand that birthdays are so much more than just cake, presents and friends. It is about so much more than those things. It’s about the day that my mom and I first met. The day that I became her entire world and she became my best friend. Being a mom on my children’s birthdays memories flood my mind from the day they were born and I first held them and we saw each o…

Bearing One Anothers Grief May Require Heavy Lifting At Times

In the grief fog and on the grief journey, it requires fellow grievers and non-grievers to carry and bear the grief of those suffering. Sometimes all it takes it a chat over coffee or a meal delivered to their home. Bearing someones grief during this journey might even require a friend to carry the entire weight of the friendship at times.

When Grief Gets Weird

There comes a point in grief where things just get weird. The grief you are living in that is now a normal way of life is still weird for others to hear about and talk about with you. For me things became weird when I started to joke and tell the funny stories shared with my mother.
My mother had an amazing sense of humor with a contagious laugh to go with it. My brother and I were always teasing her and she could dish it right back. A few years into my grief I began sharing a funny conversation with others that my mom and I had shared while making out her will one evening. Here we were in the middle of writing out where all of her earthly possessions would go and she has to make something funny. She pulls out a piece of paper with her handwriting on it,
“I have something I need you to sign.”
“What is this?”
“Just a contract that says you promise to wear my ashes in a necklace after I am cremated.”
“Mom, you annoy me now, why I am going to carry you around for the rest of my life?”
It was …

He Didn't Sign Up For This

My husband and I dated for two years and were married for two years when she passed away. We were close with my mother the entire time he and I were together. Celebrated holidays, birthdays and special events with her every year. When she became sick in 2005 I did not change too much as a person. We still had hope that she would survive the cancer. Then in 2006 when she became terminal and we were finally given the estimated life expectancy, things changed, I changed.
He didn't sign up for this. 
Of course when you become married everyone says “For better or worse, till death do us part.” I don’t think you actually REALLY think about those very important words until you need to put them to use. He was going to need to apply the “worse” to our marriage once she became terminal. That is when the grief began to come to the surface for me. I went from being in denial, to being upset with my mother for not being able to fight harder and then shock.
He didn’t sign up for this.
We all knew…

I Saw You Yesterday

I know you have been gone for over three years now but I saw you yesterday. I saw you in a picture of myself. You were there in the curve of my smile. I saw you in the way my eyes squint when I smile much too big. You always said that was a sign of someone with a big heart. I saw you in the way my finger on my right hand lays just a little crooked, just like your hand did.
I felt you there yesterday when I met with another motherless daughter. I could feel you right there with me as if you were sitting with us. I felt you in the warmth of the sunshine, as if you were shining it right on me to warm my heart that has been frozen with grief.
I heard you yesterday. My laugh caught me off guard, I heard it and it was your laugh. I actually heard your words come out of my mouth. The things I always told you I would “never say.” You know when I tell my children “because I said so,” right then I heard you and realized I was turning into my mother. I smiled. I could hear you yesterday when I c…