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Showing posts from May, 2015

Grief is like a 5k Run

I have participated in a few 5k’s since my mom passed. Most have been in memory of her and others were just for fun with friends. It’s funny when you are living with grief that it creeps in mostly during those quiet times. The times when it can get inside your head and consume your thoughts, usually happens for me when I am walking. This time I began to realize that grief is much like walking a 5k.
In the beginning, you start out slow, nobody ever really remembers what is going on or happening at the beginning of a 5k. Everyone is too focused on thinking about the finish line and getting the best time. They won’t be able to tell you who was standing next to them at the start line, what they were doing and how many people were in front of or behind them, it’s all a blur. Much like the beginning of grief, everything is a complete blur. However, in a 5k you can most certainly make out the sound of the horn or someone saying “GO!” sounds and smells are not a blur.
Once the race begins most…

Hello Strength, Good-bye Regret

Before I begin, I want to share with you that I don’t live in the past since losing her. I don’t think about the “what if’s” any longer. I did, right after her death let those questions haunt me. I allowed them to even consume at some points in my grief, especially the regret. I’ve never actually shared with anyone my regrets or what I would do differently if I had those last few days to do over again with her. In fact, I’ve never really shared with anyone aside from my husband how angry I was with her in her final days. I am about to share those thoughts and feelings with you because let’s be honest here, mother daughter relationships are messy, complicated, tough, strange and absolutely amazing. Not everyone that loses a loved one is in a wonderful place with them when they pass. Yet, not everyone will admit they were not in a good place with their loved on in the final days because of the guilt, what if’s and the might have been is too much to handle. Often time if people hear thin…

Open Letter to Motherless Daughters on Mother's Day

Dear Motherless Daughter on Mother’s Day,
We've never met before but we share the same story. We also share a day that we both want to avoid, skip, and sleep through each year since losing her. It’s Mother’s Day. Once the day is over, I count down the months until the next one. You wonder what life would be like if she was still here on Mother’s Day. For a split second, you plan your day around what she might enjoy doing only to have the wind knocked out of you by realizing she isn’t here. You see the posts of friends with their moms: baking, going out to eat, buying presents, and celebrating joyfully with a smile on their face. You see the mother-daughter pictures and notice the resemblance, and you wonder what she would look like standing beside you now.  
This holiday is an instant reminder that she is not here with you. It’s the moments when the Mother-Daughter Banquet is announced at church; you wish you could go, but you can’t. It’s the time in church when they ask the mothers…