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Showing posts from July, 2017

Just Get Out There and Take The Picture Yourself

I've seen it posted a million times on social media, "Get in the pictures, Moms!" or "Dads take the pictures of Mom with babies!"

I get the idea and heart behind the message yet I can't help but think of my Mom, the person behind the lens in all of the pictures. All the pictures I was in alone or asleep, never with her. I often wonder how much guilt this new challenge would have brought her.

I was raised by a single Mom, there wasn't a family member or husband there to snap the quick picture of the two of us together.

It was solely her

She didn't have someone to hand the camera or cell phone to quickly and she didn't have anyone to relive her during my birthday parties or big events so that some else could capture us having a special moment.

I have to tell you something Moms, it doesn't matter.  It doesn't really matter who is in the picture, what matters is who is behind the camera lens.

In every picture of me standing alone or asleep …

3 Things Only Motherless Daughters Know

As a motherless daughter, every single day you feel the weight of her absence. A day just doesn't simply slip by without you thinking of her at some point. You can try over and over to explain it to everyone yet they won't be able to fully understand and we can't expect them too. There are just some things only a motherless daughter can understand.
Old Memories Are All We Have
We don't even get to hold onto a glimmer of hope that one day we will get new memories or new pictures with our Mom. We know she's gone and all we have for every holiday, birthday, celebration are old memories to look back on. Never any new ones to look forward to. So we understand the value of a moment and we hold each one close never taking them for granted. 
We Will Always Be Searching For Her
Searching for her in the crowds, searching for old pictures of her in them that we might have missed, searching for her handwriting on some old photo or piece of paper. Searching for her name in the h…

You Won't Believe The Story Behind This Motherless Daughters Dryer

To most it's just a dryer sitting on the side of the road, broken. 
There is a bigger story behind this dryer. 
It was my mom's and it's the first item I had to give up not because I wanted to but because I had to. I'm sure my husband would let me keep a broken dryer in our garage for as long as I wanted because it was hers and he finally gets my grief. He would let it sit in there broken and taking up space.
You see, this very  dryer was in every place she lived since she moved here. It was also in the last place she lived before she left us. Before ours, hers were the last hands to touch this dryer. The last person to lovingly use it to dry clothes for those she loved the most. 
This dryer was in her home and part of her world on the days and nights when I wasn't there. It's just an object, a material thing but it was hers and that's makes a world of dofference to me. 
I'll confess it, I cried over letting this dryer go. It wasn't easy as I sat there l…

What Tomorrow Looks Like For A Motherless Daughter

My day will look different than yours tomorrow

Tomorrow you will wake up and your Mom will still be here. The nightmare and fear of her not being there are just a distant thought. You will go through your day knowing at any point you can pick up the phone to call her. You know a listening ear and judgment free zone is just a phone call away. Tomorrow you will wake up and know that you can get in your car or get on a plane to be greeted by her warm hug and a thousand I love you's.

Tomorrow you will wake up and know something I don't, you will know what it's like to have your Mom.

Tomorrow I will wake up and count down the days, minutes and hours make up six years to find out how long I've been without mine. Tomorrow I will wake up and be reminded that it wasn't a bad dream but it became my reality six years ago tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll wake up and know I can't pick up the phone and hear her voice on the other end no matter how many times I dial her number. T…

There Are Some Days Then There Are Other Days

Some days just suck without her here. Some days missing her hurts more than losing her. Some days the ache to hug her consumes me. Some days I know Heaven is beautiful because she's there but I would rather have her here. 
Yesterday was one of those days.
Then the are other days. Other days where I see a butterfly and know she sent it just for me. Other days I see her smile in that of my youngest son. Other days I feel her near me in my heart. Other days knowing she would be here if she could. Other days when tears stream down my face when I'm in the car alone and God paints the perfect sunset. As if to let me know it's a little more beautiful up there because of her. 
Six years in just a few days since she left me and I still have some days and other days. Six years and I still miss her, ache for her and cry just wanting my Mom because I will always be her "sweet pea." Six years and I'm learning to see the beauty in the small things God sends me to tell me she&…

If You Are Sick and Just Want Your Mom But She's In Heaven Then Read This

When my kids are sick I stay up with them all night. I worry about them, constantly reminding them that everything will be okay. I sit there praying I could take it all away from them and have it myself.

We worry when our babies are sick. We go on zero sleep, we give endless hugs and kisses not even caring if we become sick ourselves. We do everything single thing in our power to get them better.

That's just what Mom's do

A few weeks ago I came down with a cold and I'll never again be able to feel the comforts of having my Mom there when I am sick because she's in Heaven.

I'm thirty-two years old, I am a Mom and wife but the only person I want when I'm sick is my Mom. I want to pick up the phone, call her and have her voice calm my soul like only she can. I want to hear her voice on the other end telling me everything will be okay and that I would feel better soon.

I'll never be able to have those things happen again

I need her to calm me down like only sh…

We Don't Ever Figure Out This Whole Grief Thing

None of us go into grief knowing all about it. There will always be a first loss, one that blindsides us and sends us into a tailspin of grief that we've never encountered before.
Then another loss will come. This time you will think you are ready, you have it figured out and you don't fear the grief this time.
Then it arrives and you didn't realize that each loss is different. That each loss comes with its own special kit for that particular kind of loss and grief.
Then you just realize that you will never get it or understand it no matter how hard you try, so you just stop
You realize you don't need it to make sense. You realize it's never really been about solving, figuring it out or understanding it
It's not about the grief at all, it's about you, it's always been about you
It's about learning that even grief and loss can't hold you back. It's about learning your strengths in the trenches of rock bottom. It's about moving forward th…

A Day in The Life of A Motherless Daughter

My day doesn’t look anything like yours no matter how hard I try to make it. Some days I try and pretend like it’s a day where I can call her but I’m choosing not to call her instead. Some days I just dial her number to see “Calling Mom” on my phone. Some days I grab my grief by the horns and I tell it that talking to her out loud and up to the Heaven’s is good enough. I tell grief that I don’t need to hear her voice because her words are etched in my heart. Yet, most days the reality is that's not good enough and never will be. 
I wake up and realize all over again every morning the reality of my grief. The reality that she is still gone and no amount of pleading or begging can bring her back even for one second. Not even for a quick “I love you” or hug.
Chances are I’ll have exciting news during my day even something as simple as surviving a grocery store trip with all three children by myself. I’ll want to call her as soon as I get home and tell her. Maybe I’ll have a bad day…