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Showing posts from 2018

This Kind Of Love

“You have this thing that most people spend their entire lives trying to find”
• That’s what my uncle said to me over the phone as I stood there and scrubbed that night's dinner off the table. As I stood there feeling more like Cinderella than some princess that has everything others only dream of
• As I stood there tired from being up with one little one since six in the morning, no naps and no time to even sit down and eat the dinner I made yet because we still needed to bath, brush teeth, read a book and snuggle in bed
• Oh yes, I’m living the dream over here I silently thought to myself
• “I’m not talking about the messes, I’m talking about the love you have. That’s what makes scrubbing those tables so sweet”
• After we got off the phone I stared at that messy table
• I looked past the dried up spaghetti and I saw what he was talking about
• I saw the things that sometimes life causes me to turn a blinds eye to
• I saw the love that started this whole thing all those years ago
• The l…

You’re going to miss this

You’re going to miss this

That’s what everyone said to me when I was carrying each baby

You’re going to miss this

That’s what they said to me when I was nine months pregnant, couldn’t see my feet but pretty sure they were no longer existent and I was just ready to have this baby in my arms and out of my belly

You’re going to miss this

That’s what they said to me with tears streaming down my face, the same spit up covered T-shirt from the night before and no sleep when I asked if I would ever sleep more than two straight hours ever again for the rest of my life

You’re going to miss this

That’s what they said when that sweet little angel baby started destroying everything in his path with a temper that could scare even the bravest of souls

You’re going to miss this

That’s what they said when I couldn’t leave my house without everything but the kitchen sink. When I had diapers and wipes and an extra change of clothes for me and baby. When I had bottles to bring and formula and extra form…

This Is Us Is ALL of Us

I keep seeing posts where some are no longer watching the television show This Is Us especially the most recent episode with a very heavy topic

Let me say, I get it and my heart hurts for those that feel too close to the show's topic and can’t watch it because it hurts too much

I won’t be one of those people not watching this show and it hurts me too

When they sit there talking to an urn that was once a father and I cry because that’s my life with my mom

When I watch someone on the show go through cancer and die, I lose a little piece of my heart because that’s my life. I’ve watched someone I love the most die to that horrible disease

When they go through grief and it’s raw and you hear about their father dying. When Rebecca sits there in shock as the doctor tells her Jack is gone, just like that and the disbelief consumes her, I've lived that with my mom. My mind races back to the day the doctor told me over the phone she was gone

But I won’t stop watching the show

You see th…

This Motherhood Is a Sisterhood

I’ve sat back and watched as social media chewed up and spit moms out

I’ve watched them come in swarms with words that cut to the core as their weapons of choice

I’ve even tried to step in a time or two but the mob mentality was already set and the battle lines were drawn

Anyone that crosses them and tries to recuse the poor mom and her soul on the other end of the comments will be lashed out at with twice the force from mom-shamers everywhere

You are either too perfect or a complete slob

You breastfed too long and that’s gross but when you couldn’t any longer and bottle feed your baby, you are a quitter

You had too many kids or how dare you just have one

You let your child climb the wrong way up the slide at the park, what kind of mom are you? You tell them to stop and you just stopped them from learning a vital necessity of growing up

You allow them to have feelings in public and not stop them, what kind of mother allows their child to act that way?? You stop them and what kind of m…

This Wasn't Just A House, It Was HER Home

To those that move in next to this house, they will never know that some of my best and worst moments reside here in those four walls

They will never know that this house is not just any house, it was her home. Filled with the only memories I have left of her

You see that living room, there was a nice couch that took up much of the space. On that very couch, in that very living room is the place she told me she had terminal cancer. That very living room is where my world came to a complete stop

You see that room in the back, that was her room. In that very room was a bed she would lay in sick from treatment. In the corner of that room was a chair that I would sit in many nights, watching closely making sure she was still with me

That bathroom is where I would hold her had on the floor when she was sick and weak. The second bedroom is where I would help her email friends that were out of state to tell them the news that she was terminal

That back porch is filled with the best memories…

The Kind of Man He Promised To Be

Thirteen years ago he promised to try and be the kind of boyfriend I had been waiting for

Eleven years ago he vowed to be the man that would never break my heart

He vowed that I would never again on his watch have to keep a sad song on repeat trying to find healing

He promised to be the kind of man that stayed around when things were good when things were bad and everything else in between

He vowed to be the kind of man that would give me the feeling of always knowing that I could look over and have my forever best friend by my side

He promised to be the kind of man that would make me forget about the heartache that led me to him

He vowed to be the kind of man to give me grace upon grace and forgiveness when I least deserved it

He promised to be the kind of man that would show our sons what hard work, honest love and never giving up on someone looks like

He promised to be the one to choose us over and over again every day

He vowed to be the one to do this all over, again and again, k…

I Keep Adding Chapters To Her Story

The day my mom became sick with cancer, I changed •

The day she died, a piece of me died too

I’ll never be who I was the days, hours, minutes or even seconds before she died

I had two choices presented to me the minute she died. Two choices I never knew I would have to face

I could pitch a tent and take up residency in that messy stage of grief or I could pack my things and move on in my grief

Staying there would have been the easier choice, so many people lived there too, so many would have understood but I knew that ugly grief wasn’t where I was needed

I knew I couldn’t let cancer be the end of her story and I was the only one to tell it for her

I knew that staying there would have been more painful than moving on

I never imagined a time when I would find myself happy, joyful, at piece or even filled with grace in my grief

I always thought feeling that way in grief was a “no,no” because how in the world can you have all those things and still grieve?

It’s simple, I fill my life up wi…

When You Just Want Coffee With Your Mom Again

I always see photographers offering mother and daughter sessions

I always wish I could have surprised my mom with one of those

I wouldn’t want it to be the kind where we get dressed up and go into some pretty field

I would want it to be just her and I doing the things that matter the most together. The little things that most take for granted

One of us drinking coffee together on the back porch talking about everything and nothing together

One of us baking together in the kitchen using her mom's recipe book

One of us talking on the phone together for the tenth time that day as we laugh because we don’t have anything left to say but we just wanted to hear each other's voice on the other end

One of us sitting down together at dinner with all her grandbabies on each side of her

I’ll never get the kind of pictures other mother and daughters might get together now that she’s gone

Instead, I’ll carry her memory around with me and we will have coffee on the back porch together early in the mo…

This Is Motherhood

This is motherhood

You see, I gave up my vanity a long time ago, seven years ago to be exact

I brave the grocery store with no makeup on unafraid of who I will run into

I face the mall in my yoga pants that don’t even know what yoga is and haven’t see a gym

I walk right into any restaurant with my hair that they now call a messy bun but mine has evolved to somewhere in between a birds nest and Medusa’s hair

In fact today I drove right up to the school pickup line with my shirt on backwards which my husband kindly informed me of when he got home, with mismatched sandals because my dog is mad at me and chewed up my other one and my stretchy pants because following the rules for that healthy lifestyle just wasn’t fitting well into my routine

They tell you motherhood is messy but my friends they don’t tell you how freeing it truly is, they forget to say that you can simply walk out of your house like this and if anyone asks to say, “ I have a toddler at home” and you don’t need to say any…

The Me Before I Became Mom

Don’t be confused, that’s the same person you are seeing

On the left, that’s me before I became a mom

Oh how I remember her

She had endless time to get ready, put on makeup fix her hair and even coordinate outfits with jewelry. She even had time to go the beach and get a tan

Then there’s the mom version of me

The one that walks in the department store, heads straight for the yoga pants and cosmetics counter and says, “I need all your wrinkle cream and concealer that can hide the fact that I haven’t slept in seven years now”

The one that walks out of the house with mismatched everything including random items in her hair, isn’t sure she owns any jewelry other than her wedding ring because toddlers have used her bracelets as a sling shot and feels like Target is her girls night out

But I honestly don’t miss her, the old me, the one before I became a mom

She had no clue how to Netflix and chill, she was always on the go, always much too busy. She blew money on makeup and clothes and fan…