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Showing posts from February, 2019

My Mom Couldn't Be My Person In Heaven

Anxiety has been a part of my life for as far back as I can remember • It’s been there for so long that I don’t really recall a time in my life without it
• If you have anxiety then you know you have that one person. The one person that knows just how to help calm you down in the midst of the anxiety fog
• That one person for me was my Mom
• She knew just what to say, how to say it and the right moment to say it to help bring me back to reality. Her words and comfort were always stronger than my anxiety
• I always just assumed she would always be there to be my person but that all changed
• It was a few weeks after my husband and I were married and my anxiety kicked in, I said, “I have to call my Mom” he paused and said, “How about you talk to me instead? Just give me a try and see if I can compare.”
• So I did, I gave him a chance to help ease my anxiety and it was as if I was talking to my Mom, it was as if I was talking to my person
• The calls to my Mom when my anxiety was in full force…

Grief Is Not Contagious

This is a PSA; Grief is not contagious, I repeat, NOT contagious. Sometimes I just want to scream that at people. 
My mom gets diagnosed with terminal cancer, I turn around half of the people around me are gone. She dies, I take a look around and everyone is gone, running for the hills. 
You won't get depressed from being around me and my grief. You won't want to hide out in your house or suddenly want to cry your days away. I promise you won't catch my grief. 
Here is what you will catch if you invest in a griever. A new perspective on life, joy in the little things, a heart for someone other than yourself and the ability see that there is hope in grief. 
Best thing you will catch is a view from the front row of watching someone you care about rise up from something so heavy. 
Grief is not contagious but the side effects from it might be and that's a good thing

My Mom Died And Everything Changed

I think about that day often, the day my Mom died
I think about how in a single day everything in my life changed and it didn’t just change for that day, it changed my days forever
That morning I was a daughter then I was suddenly a motherless daughter
That morning my sweet baby had a Nana and the next minute not a single memory he would ever have would include her in it
That morning my husband had a mother in law and by that evening he had lost the only mother in law he would ever have
That morning my future children would have a Nana and that evening they would never even know her at all
That morning my Mom just had cancer and that same evening she didn’t and she would never have it again
That morning I still had a Mom and on that same day I would never have my Mom again
That morning friends and co-workers and family would ask how she was doing and that same evening they would forever know how she was doing. By that same evening they would never ask how she was doing again
That morning my Mo…

What It's Like To Be Friends With A Motherless Daughter

Dear Friends,
I have so much I wish I could tell you. I need you to know that I am different since my mom passed away. I am a different friend, mother, wife and sister. In some ways the grief and loss has changed me for the better. I won’t be the same person you remembered or shared memories with. Our friendship might require you to carry it one hundred percent at times. 
I need you to remind me that I am never a burden when I want to talk to you about the hard days. The days when the tears won’t stop flowing. The days when I cancel plans with you last minute because I had a trigger and my day is consumed with thoughts of her. The days when I just want to share stories about her. The days when I just want to cry with you on the phone. Remind me you are there.
I need you to tell me my mom is proud of me. If you have your mom, you might take that for granted. After losing my mom, I want to make her more proud than ever. I want her to know that because of her strength and courage in life, I…

I Hope My Mom Forgets Me In Heaven

What if she doesn't remember me in Heaven?
That thought crossed my mind for the first time after nearly six years of losing her. I cried a lot thinking, what if it's not the same and she's just not my Mom anymore, not like it was before.

I just always assumed she would never forget me. Never forget the memories we shared or the love, I was always positive both of those things could never be broken.

What if she completely forgot about me?

What if now that she's up there it's no longer her job to keep being my Mom? What if it's no longer her job to keep worrying about me, getting excited over milestones for me or wishing she could hug me? What if it's been so long since we've talked that she doesn't care to know me anymore? What if she has went so many years now without being my Mom, what if that's just no longer part of her?

Then I started hoping she has forgotten about me

I don't want to think about her up there in Heaven with a broken hear…