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Showing posts from March, 2019

I Hope I Make You Proud in Heaven

Every single day you cross my mind and my thoughts always go to the same place, hoping that I'm making you proud all the way up there in Heaven •
It's hard to think that it's been so many years since I've heard you say it to me, since I haven't had to hope that you are proud of me •
I hope you see me doing the best I can and giving it my all every single day on this motherhood journey without you here to help guide me because even though you aren't here, I learned how to be a good mom just by watching you  •
I hope you see me pouring my heart and soul and some of the deepest parts of my grief from missing you into my writings to help someone else. I hope you read my words and they help you feel a little closer to me •
I hope you see me staying up late with tears in my eyes and shaking hands determined to finish that college paper because that second degree is a dream I'm fulfilling for you. That when I walk across that stage again you will be on my mind and in my h…

I Still Celebrate Mother’s Day Even Though My Mom Died

The first year after my Mom died, celebrating Mother’s Day even though I was a mother was difficult •
I missed my own Mom •
I saw everyone posting with new memories of their own Mom on Mother's Day and I knew that mine from that point on would only be old pictures and old memories •
The world kind of had this unspoken rule that once someone dies, we don't celebrate them any longer, we simply move on and let our memories due with them •
I decided to break that rule •
From that point on Mothers Day was celebrated for me and for my Mom •
We buy cupcakes, get balloons and I even buy my Mom a card because somehow the simplest act of walking down that card aisle on Mother’s Day and actually buying the card brings me so much joy and its a lot better than avoiding the stores and aisles or somehow feeling like I don't deserve to be down that aisle because she's dead •
So this Morher’s Day won't be any different from the others even though my Mom died •
I'll celebrate my Mom, my sons wi…

Only A Motherless Daughter Knows

Only a motherless daughter knows the loneliness in a final goodbye and the power behind that last ”I love you” •
Only a motherless daughter knows the deafening silence in a delivery room when her mother isn't there for her grandchild's first breath •
Only a motherless daughter knows the difference between ”I miss my Mom” because she doesn't live here and ”I miss my Mom” because she lives in Heaven •
Only a motherless daughter knows the feeling of waking up every single day and knowing that tomorrow she won't wake up to this all being a dream •
Only a motherless daughter knows how many times she still goes to pick up that phone and call her Mom hoping that one say she might answer even though she knows they don't have wi-fi in Heaven •
Only a motherless daughter knows that no matter how many times she reminders herself, she still searched the stores and the room for her Mom •
Only a motherless daughter knows the heartache in forever wondering what could have been •
Only a motherl…

The Secret Sisterhood in Grief

If you sat down and had dinner with us or joined us for a girls night out, you probably wouldn’t know that our friendships go way beyond table talk and endless gossip. 
You probably wouldn’t know that we wake up every single day and know what it’s like to go another day living life without a mom.
You probably wouldn’t know that our texts go deeper that “How are you?” and more like “I know it’s the anniversary of your moms death, are you okay?”
You probably wouldn’t know that our calendars are filled with more than play dates and appointments but also with death anniversaries, Janie’s dead moms birthday and the day Sarah’s mom went to heaven
You probably wouldn’t be able to tell just by being around us that we’ve not only walked knee deep in the trenches but once we’ve come out, we’ve walked back in to go help a fellow motherless daughter walk out or go and sit with her awhile until she’s ready to come out
You probably wouldn’t know that we’ve seen valleys and we’ve cried tears of joy as we…

The Right Way To Grieve

I think I was always searching for the right way to grieve, the right way to miss my mom. I searched online groups, articles, social media, you name it and I looked there. Always searching for someone to tell me how to do this whole grief thing the right way.
It’s like some unspoken rule that there is a right way to grieve and that must mean there is a wrong way too, at least that’s what the world tells us. 
The truth is, there is no wrong way to grieve and there is no right way either. If there was then there wouldn’t be a whole world full of people missing someone because we would all have it figured out and we don’t. We are just all out there grieving and missing someone and trying to keep their memory alive the best we can. 
Sometimes that looks like support through an online community. Sometimes that looks like writing about them. Sometimes that looks like sharing their memories. Sometimes that looks like a long walk. Sometimes that looks like making their favorite meals, listening …

My Friends Ghosted Me When My Mom Died

My friends ghosted me when my mom died 
When life was good and easy and a little less messy, I was surrounded by friends. Friends that loved me, wanted to spend time with me and cared about the smallest details of my life. 
Then my Mom got cancer and even then they stayed around but they didn't care to be too involved. When I was at the hospital with her, they were out. When I was sitting at her house up all night making sure she didn't take her last breath while I slept, they were asleep at home. When I was at doctors appointments and chemotherapy treatments, they were somewhere else. When I sat on the bathroom floor with her so many nights trying to fight back the tears and wanting to run far away, they were nowhere to be found. 
I didn't see it then, I just noticed the calls became less frequent and the invites were scarce. There weren't any offers to being over coffee or cook meals. There weren't offers to come sit with me at her house or come to the hospital and …

So God Made A Speech Therapist

He knew one day you would be sitting in a pediatricians office and hearing that your child has a speech delay. He knew you would need someone to help you fight your fears and navigate the road ahead

So God made a speech therapist

He knew you would need someone who would see your child just the way you do. Someone that would see all their potential, their hard work and their heart instead of their labels

So God made a speech therapist

He knew your baby would need someone that was just like you, not willing to give up on your child and would see their soul and hear their words when they couldn’t even speak instead of just their chart and their milestones

So God made a speech therapist

He knew you would want to fix this for your baby, that you would want to do this all on your own but there would come a day when you would realize you needed someone’s help. You would need someone to become a part of your village and walk this journey with you hand in hand, side by side

So God made a spee…