Grief To Hope

The inevitable truth is that you are going to lose your mom at some point • I lost my mom before she even died, several times • Usually at the grocery store when she would tell me she was just going to the next aisle and then suddenly she’s nowhere to be found for hours and I find her at checkout just when I’m on the verge of panic and about to have her paged over the intercom system. That’s how we found our lost people before cell phones existed • I lost her on the road one time, she was following along behind me and I’m not sure at what point she decided to try and take a “short cut” which would turn her around and somehow send her back to our house when we should have been going the opposite way but she did and I lost her for several hours that day • But I always knew I would find her, that I would see her again. She would come walking around the aisle at the grocery store or end up back at the house • But the day I lost her for good, the day she wouldn’t just walk in

"Who’s that in the picture?" • A question that knocks the wind right out of me every single time. I can't ever prepare myself enough for the times one of my son's will find her picture and ask who she is • It's someone they should know, someone they should be able to point out in any picture or notice in any crowded room • It's someone who's voice they should recognize over the phone or laugh they should have stored in their memory • It's someone who's hugs should be talked about and who's ”I love you” should be remembered forever • It's Nana • But Nana lives in Heaven • She won't be found in any pictures with them, she won't be in any videos or facetime calls, she won't be in the background at any special event cheering them on or front and center at all the birthday parties and graduations even though she should be and would be if it was up to her • It's Nana after all • But Nana lives in