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Have the Talk of a Lifetime

The truth is I’ll always have regrets about when my mom died, but my greatest regrets come from unanswered questions.

• I remember sitting down a few days after she died and realizing I didn’t even know her favorite holiday or which song she would listen to over and over again if she could. I couldn’t tell you her favorite childhood memory because I never asked. • It wasn’t that I didn’t ask because I didn’t care, it was because the truth is, I had no clue what to ask her or where to begin. When she was dying, I could barely think, much less come up with questions or think of important things to ask her. • I wish I would have had the Have the Talk of a Lifetime Conversation Cards before my mom died because then I wouldn’t have so much regret with unanswered questions. It is true that those simple questions become the most important ones after you lose the one you love the most. • Even though I can’t go back in time with my mom and use these cards, I can start now with my family and …
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I Didn’t Know What to Say

The day she died people asked what they could do

I didn’t know what to say

They told me they were there for me just tell them what I needed

I didn’t know what to say

They said they were a phone call away, I could call anytime day or night

I didn’t know what to say

They said we could go out to lunch, they would bring me dinner or coffee just let them know what I wanted

I didn’t know what to say

They sent texts and tried calling asking me to text or call them back just to talk

I didn’t know what to say

They brought food, dropped off coffee at my doorstep and even gifts

I didn’t know what to say

They said I could talk about her anytime, tell them stories about her, say her name

I didn’t know what to say

They said it was okay to cry and scream and yell

I didn’t know what to say

Then they said the thing that meant the most, that the truth was they didn’t know what to say at all and that was the most powerful thing they could have ever said

But you see I knew that all along because I didn’t…

I Can’t Put My Mom On The Pick Up List

Most take this tiny card for granted, you know the ones that come in the school packets at the beginning of the year

Maybe you haven’t noticed because you could fill them up with your eyes closed, the card only needs a few names but you’ve got six and the truth is you’ve got the most important one you can list every time, your Mom

That emergency contact list and pickup list is a reminder for me every school year that I can’t write her name in the little box because she’s no longer here

I could write her name if I really wanted to but it would be pointless because next I would have to write down her number and even though I still have it memorized by heart and in my phone, they can call it but she won’t answer because no calls reach where she lives

I could put her address because I remember that too, I still drive past her old house sometimes and know the roads there like the back of my hand but that’s no longer her home, I would have to put down “Heaven” for that part

I’ll …

I Didn't Just Lose My Mom The Day She Died

I didn't just lose her the day she died, I've lost her many times over the years

I lost her in aisle five at the grocery store all over again when I looked down and saw the smoothie packet I would buy for her when she was too sick to keep anything else down

I lost her the day I gave birth to my first son and the room was filled with so many people but she was missing, it wasn't completely full because she wasn't there and again with my second and third son

I lost her the day I picked up the phone to call and tell her some exciting news and I realized I could call but she would never answer

I lost her the day I sat on my back porch and the seat next to me was empty, the seat she would sit in and help me solve all of my problems

I lost her the day my first son graduated kindergarten and I didn't need to save her a seat because she wouldn't be there

I lost her every birthday and holiday that I could put her on the invitation list or send a card to

I …

A Mother’s Love Never Dies

If I Had One Wish

I wish I could have seen you as their Nana

I wish I could have seen you as their Nana

I wish I could have had you holding my hand in that room the day they were born to remind me that it’s all going to be okay

I wish I knew what it felt like to say the words “Come meet your grandson”

I wish I could have pictures to look at of you holding them, meeting them for the first time and getting to meet me for the first time as a new mom

I wish I could have seen you as their Nana

I just know how much you would have beamed with pride, how you would have told everyone they were the most perfect baby

I know you would have wanted to be a part of every minute of their lives just like you were with mine

I wish I could tell them “Yes we can go to Nana’s house” instead of telling them you live too far away in Heaven

I wish I could change your name in my phone  from Mom to Nana so they could call to tell you about their day

I wish I could put Nana on the pick up list at school and the emergency contact

And that laugh, they w…